Monday, December 5, 2011

Creed (1998-2011)

I have been unable to write for days. I am still unsure I can articulate my thoughts without completely losing myself to emotion. However if I do not write this memorial, I will be unable to set it free from my head nor will I be able to write about anything else. I said goodbye to my most faithful companion of 13 years, Creedence Mendel aka Creed dog, on Thursday December 1st. I have never been so close to anyone when they died, much less held their head in my arms. I can still feel the warmth of his fur buried in my cheek, the slowing of his breath. The fear that I experienced was like no other. I questioned to the very end, was this the right choice? Should we have waited longer? I could do more for him, I should do more. At one point my body felt paralyzed, numb, it was a sadness, a fear, I have never encountered. Where is he really going? Everyone says heaven, like it is a fairytale field of angels and white clouds. But I don't know, I wanted a sign, something that he was going to happy, that he was taken care of. My faith felt tested, despite never having prayed so hard.

Since Creed's death, family and friends have shared their heartbreaking stories of losing pets. They remember the exact day their pet died, they kept collars and mementos, photographs and most importantly a deep special place for that pet in their hearts. My sister tells me the first week is the hardest, and other friends tell me they still get teary even years after the loss of a good friend. My uncle wrote and told me how he can remember almost 50 years ago when he drove with my mom and grandfather to put down their beloved childhood dog. He recalls the conversation in the car, where they were and even more important he remembers many fond memories of growing with that dog.

Other people swear their animal reincarnates back to them in some way or another. I happened to run into a pet psychic when I was finding a rock to put in Creed's grave. He told me this is not goodbye, it never is. I want to believe him just like I want to believe Creed is in heaven. Here is what I know. I ran for the first time yesterday and I felt him next to me. He did not need a leash, he did not pant or look tired. He strutted along with me and it felt so real.  I believed he was there, maybe it was purely conjured up in my imagination to ease my self torment or just maybe he was there.  I would like to believe the later.

I think our society is such a "prove it" sort of world, and I am working hard on letting go of proof and focusing myself on belief. If I believe Creed's spirit is always with me, that is where it shall be. He was our first "baby", he taught me how to be a good parent. I can remember how fast he could run, how he would sleep in the bathtub, how he would chase a squirrel but never had the intention to catch him. We thought he was part sea lion because he had a bark that was so loud and obnoxious. I can feel the weight of his body as he used to lay on my lap when he was younger. I remember the contrast of his dark black body as he ran in the open white snow fields at my in-laws home. He would chase the sled down the hill and then run up to me with snowflakes covering his black nose. And he smiled, a lot.

So I am not saying goodbye, because I believe only his body is gone. His spirit is everywhere. Nolan still talks to him daily, and I continue to say "We'll be home soon Creed Dog," every time I walk out my front door just like I always did.

Thank you Creed dog. You have been a faithful companion and a true friend. We love you.

Love and Light,


Here is a video of just  few of the hundreds of photos I have of our first "baby". Just click on the link below.

1 comment :

  1. Absolutely beautiful!!! By the end of your blog & then the video, I'm in tears. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Creed knew & still knows how much you & the boys loved him. He is with you in spirit, I believe that. I've been thinking about you every day in the past week & hoping that your heart can find some peace. Thank you sharing your heart through your words. Love you!!